Who is the real enemy?

For some reason, I've been hearing that when something good happens to someone, it is because of God. But, when something bad happens, people say it's the Enemy working to make you leave the Lord. I am wondering why a person that has done all they can to walk the straight and narrow gets the short end of the stick and those who live their lives doing wrong get to continue doing what they're doing. I've spoken about it once before. I lost my job due to personal conflict within the workplace. My superiors were more concerned with their image within the community they did not care how they were perceived within the workplace. They always talked about loyalty and family, but their definition of each was different from what the average person would think. For them, family meant disfunctional family; problems popped up all day every day and never got resolved properly. It was usually a one-sided decision. Loyalty reminds me of an abusive relationship; you keep making excuses for the reason your partner keeps abusing you rather than that alarm bell going off in your head that you shouldn't be treated that way. I suffered emotional abuse by one of my superiors. When speaking to the boss about it, she made a promise to handle the situation, but I ended up waiting and waiting... During the next 12 months, I suffered more abuse and even was accused of a theft that I did not commit. All this just added up to my final dismissal a week before my two year anniversary with the organization. I was told that I was being laid off. The only warning I had was the moment they told me. I was also told that if they found out I was saying negative things about them I would have a problem finding a new job. Simply put, keep your mouth shut or we'll ruin you. As I come up on one year of being unemployed, and just a few months from being homeless, I wonder why I never spoke up. I do feel that someone is sabotaging my job hunt, but I cannot prove it. I am at a crossroads in my life and don't know which way to turn. I have prayed and cried and tried to find work, but something just isn't working for me. In the past few weeks, I have not even gone to church. I feel as though my prayers have gone unanswered. It feels as though God has turned his back on me. So, I'm wondering why give praise and love to someone who turns their back on you? If the enemy has a grasp on me why hasn't God done anything to stake His claim on me? So, here I am, about to lose everything, and I'm wondering what I did that was so wrong that this is happening to me.

Why love someone who doesn't seem to love you? My faith was not that strong to begin with, but I was trying. Apparently, my attempt was not good enough. Maybe I was not meant to walk with God. Maybe I was meant to worship the enemy. At this time, I have chosen to take a break from Him and try to do this on my own since He won't even give me a hint of what I should be doing or where I should be going.

I'm tired of crying...

How do you know who really has your back?

Okay, in the past 11-ish months that I've been unemployed, I've heard people say that I just have to be patient, pray, keep the faith and God has a plan for me. I feel as though the only plan that God has for me is for me to be down and out. How am I supposed to take care of myself as I have in the past seven and a half years, and now I can't even catch a break on the job front. I'm tired and I'm on that path to just "check out" completely. As always, I do feel that I am marked for working at the last place I was at. I did learn some things, but a lot of it was negative. I've come to realize that there are more people in this world that are out to get you if you pose any kind of threat to them. I'm sorry, but I don't see how a person can bow and scrape for others and the only thing they get for being submissive is more pain, heartache, and disrespect. So, I am doing my best to keep what little faith I have, but it is hard. When it seems as though I am getting hit with one disappointment after another, it is very hard.

The other day, when family members were talking about how much they get in food stamp assistance each month, I did ask if someone could help me out with at least $100 to put some food in my cabinets and fridge because I had practically nothing. It kinda hurt me to basically be told no. I should have known not to ask in the first place because there are members of my family that will not help you unless they're getting something for their "good deed". Some members just won't help at all. I do understand if people are not willing to help because what you ask for is something that you don't need (i.e. cigarettes, liquor, money to go to the club, etc.). That happens a lot. People beg for your money because they don't want to spend their own. They mess things up for those who are really in need. I am grateful for a friend of mine. I know that she doesn't have a lot, but she did something that no one has ever done for me in the recent years. She offered to buy me some groceries so that I had something to eat. I didnt' want to accept at first, and I did mention to her that I wouldn't be able to pay her back for a while, but she told me that I didn't have to pay her back. Instead, one day when I am able to, I should pass on the good fortune and do something for someone. Due to experiences within my family, I do not like having to ask people for help because if your family won't help you, who will? When one of my older cousins found out my situation, he did offer to help me out with some groceries as well. So, that is good. I guess it just depends on who you ask.

Now, as I'm bombarded with messages of keeping my faith in God and be patient, I have to face reality. The reality of my situation is that if this "plan" that God has for me isn't revealed soon, I'm out on the streets. Like I said, is that God's plan for me...to be homeless and poor? Unlike some, all I've wanted for the past 11 months is for a sign of where to go and what to do just so I can make my way out of this mess. I wasn't, and I'm not, asking for God to completely bail me out. I just wanted to be shown the path I needed to take.

One of the things I've learned during all of this is that sometimes family isn't the solution. There are people who you need to build a better realtionship with because they will step up and be the one you need to lean on sometimes. What is a friend? They're not just someone you keep in touch with and talk to from time to time. They have your back at times when you feel that no one does. They keep it real even if that means having to disagree with you. I don't know if she knows it, but I'm grateful for my friend.

The lesson that I've learned is I need to learn to build my savings. I have to curb my spending. I need to pay down my debt and work to keep it down. Also, I need to hurry up and get my license, and pray that my dad is willing to help me purchase a car so that I no longer have to rely on others to take me places <-- that's money I'm wasting by putting it in someone's tank when I can be putting that in my savings for my own car.