on the road to a better outlook...

just when you think that things won't get better, you begin to see the silver lining in an otherwise dark cloud. last week i received a call that offered little hope. but, luckily, the person on the other end kept their word and called me today. i was offered a job that i had applied for a few times. i guess they figured i really wanted the job since i kept applying for it. so, my 11 1/2 month vacation is over! now, all those things i had to put off can now be taken care of. my outlook on life is starting to turn a rosy color, but very slowly. i still have to wait and see how things are going to turn out with those other issues that i have to deal with. i'm a little more positive that things will work out, if given enough time. i remember one sermon that the pastor spoke about fear. as i've been thinking about it, i think i am going to face one of my fears and open the lines of communication with someone that i never thought i'd speak to again. yeah, it's time they knew what was up.in closing, i guess i'll have to begin my journey once again. it seems like i'm always starting on that path to religion (the lord) and, for some reason, i'm always leaving. it's an issue that is hard to deal with when your faith is not what it should be and you try but you're not strong enough to see through the bad times or the pain. maybe this time will be different. we'll see...

confidence is a must

my cousin took me driving today. i went from one side of town to the other and i got to drive! :) it was pretty cool. today was a nice day for driving. there are a few things that i need to work on, especially my confidence. i just get so freaked out when i'm driving, especially in another person's car. i'm always scared i'm gonna hit something or get hit. but, i did a good job today. i swerved a little bit and bumped a curb, but i did a good job.

i'm on my way!

A Goal Accomplished

I wasn't like the other kids, and my parents weren't really like other parents. In high school, I didn't do driver's education, or even learn how to drive outside of school. My teen years were spent hoping for a better future and dreaming about what I wanted in life. From there, I became sort of a loner as an adult. I went to college, but my social flower didn't completely bloom. It opened up a little bit, but not enough. Over the past 10 years, I've tried a few times with the driving lessons. One of my aunt's finally decided to take me to get my license. Of course, I am typically nervous when it comes to taking tests. I read the book at least twice and even wrote notes. I studied my notes and looked over the signs one last time before taking the computer test. I did pretty good --- 21 out of 24 correct. The driving was something else. The horn didn't work so the test was stopped. A few hours later the horn was fixed, and I had to wait my turn. It was hot and I don't do heat, so I was sweating like I was being interrogated. LOL. The next tester was going to stop my test because the tail light was cracked. Luckily, I was able to take the test. Even though I was nervous, I didn't have an accident. I even pulled into a parking space that was between two cars. I always hate that because I'm scared of hitting someone's car. In the end, after a brief conversation, I was told that I just barely passed my driving test. I do have some things to work on, so I plan to do that within the coming year since it will be a while before I am able to buy a car. I'm just happy that I finally got it out of the way.

Who is the real enemy?

For some reason, I've been hearing that when something good happens to someone, it is because of God. But, when something bad happens, people say it's the Enemy working to make you leave the Lord. I am wondering why a person that has done all they can to walk the straight and narrow gets the short end of the stick and those who live their lives doing wrong get to continue doing what they're doing. I've spoken about it once before. I lost my job due to personal conflict within the workplace. My superiors were more concerned with their image within the community they did not care how they were perceived within the workplace. They always talked about loyalty and family, but their definition of each was different from what the average person would think. For them, family meant disfunctional family; problems popped up all day every day and never got resolved properly. It was usually a one-sided decision. Loyalty reminds me of an abusive relationship; you keep making excuses for the reason your partner keeps abusing you rather than that alarm bell going off in your head that you shouldn't be treated that way. I suffered emotional abuse by one of my superiors. When speaking to the boss about it, she made a promise to handle the situation, but I ended up waiting and waiting... During the next 12 months, I suffered more abuse and even was accused of a theft that I did not commit. All this just added up to my final dismissal a week before my two year anniversary with the organization. I was told that I was being laid off. The only warning I had was the moment they told me. I was also told that if they found out I was saying negative things about them I would have a problem finding a new job. Simply put, keep your mouth shut or we'll ruin you. As I come up on one year of being unemployed, and just a few months from being homeless, I wonder why I never spoke up. I do feel that someone is sabotaging my job hunt, but I cannot prove it. I am at a crossroads in my life and don't know which way to turn. I have prayed and cried and tried to find work, but something just isn't working for me. In the past few weeks, I have not even gone to church. I feel as though my prayers have gone unanswered. It feels as though God has turned his back on me. So, I'm wondering why give praise and love to someone who turns their back on you? If the enemy has a grasp on me why hasn't God done anything to stake His claim on me? So, here I am, about to lose everything, and I'm wondering what I did that was so wrong that this is happening to me.

Why love someone who doesn't seem to love you? My faith was not that strong to begin with, but I was trying. Apparently, my attempt was not good enough. Maybe I was not meant to walk with God. Maybe I was meant to worship the enemy. At this time, I have chosen to take a break from Him and try to do this on my own since He won't even give me a hint of what I should be doing or where I should be going.

I'm tired of crying...

How do you know who really has your back?

Okay, in the past 11-ish months that I've been unemployed, I've heard people say that I just have to be patient, pray, keep the faith and God has a plan for me. I feel as though the only plan that God has for me is for me to be down and out. How am I supposed to take care of myself as I have in the past seven and a half years, and now I can't even catch a break on the job front. I'm tired and I'm on that path to just "check out" completely. As always, I do feel that I am marked for working at the last place I was at. I did learn some things, but a lot of it was negative. I've come to realize that there are more people in this world that are out to get you if you pose any kind of threat to them. I'm sorry, but I don't see how a person can bow and scrape for others and the only thing they get for being submissive is more pain, heartache, and disrespect. So, I am doing my best to keep what little faith I have, but it is hard. When it seems as though I am getting hit with one disappointment after another, it is very hard.

The other day, when family members were talking about how much they get in food stamp assistance each month, I did ask if someone could help me out with at least $100 to put some food in my cabinets and fridge because I had practically nothing. It kinda hurt me to basically be told no. I should have known not to ask in the first place because there are members of my family that will not help you unless they're getting something for their "good deed". Some members just won't help at all. I do understand if people are not willing to help because what you ask for is something that you don't need (i.e. cigarettes, liquor, money to go to the club, etc.). That happens a lot. People beg for your money because they don't want to spend their own. They mess things up for those who are really in need. I am grateful for a friend of mine. I know that she doesn't have a lot, but she did something that no one has ever done for me in the recent years. She offered to buy me some groceries so that I had something to eat. I didnt' want to accept at first, and I did mention to her that I wouldn't be able to pay her back for a while, but she told me that I didn't have to pay her back. Instead, one day when I am able to, I should pass on the good fortune and do something for someone. Due to experiences within my family, I do not like having to ask people for help because if your family won't help you, who will? When one of my older cousins found out my situation, he did offer to help me out with some groceries as well. So, that is good. I guess it just depends on who you ask.

Now, as I'm bombarded with messages of keeping my faith in God and be patient, I have to face reality. The reality of my situation is that if this "plan" that God has for me isn't revealed soon, I'm out on the streets. Like I said, is that God's plan for me...to be homeless and poor? Unlike some, all I've wanted for the past 11 months is for a sign of where to go and what to do just so I can make my way out of this mess. I wasn't, and I'm not, asking for God to completely bail me out. I just wanted to be shown the path I needed to take.

One of the things I've learned during all of this is that sometimes family isn't the solution. There are people who you need to build a better realtionship with because they will step up and be the one you need to lean on sometimes. What is a friend? They're not just someone you keep in touch with and talk to from time to time. They have your back at times when you feel that no one does. They keep it real even if that means having to disagree with you. I don't know if she knows it, but I'm grateful for my friend.

The lesson that I've learned is I need to learn to build my savings. I have to curb my spending. I need to pay down my debt and work to keep it down. Also, I need to hurry up and get my license, and pray that my dad is willing to help me purchase a car so that I no longer have to rely on others to take me places <-- that's money I'm wasting by putting it in someone's tank when I can be putting that in my savings for my own car.

What is really going on?

Okay, so I had a job interview at the Food Stamp office for a Clerk job yesterday. I actually got there 30 minutes early and stood in line... yeah, you have to stand in line for anything (questions, complaints, information). I was told that I just needed to have a seat and wait to be called because they were apparently doing group interviews. So...2pm comes and goes. My interview was for 2pm. At 2:30 they called off five names and only three people got up. My name was not among them. At 2:40, after waiting in line again, I made it back to the front desk to ask when I would be seen. The clerk paged someone and asked me to take a seat. Another 2o minutes goes by before I get a phone call from my aunt asking me how the interview went. As I was telling her that I still haven't been seen, the security guard realized that I was supposed to have been in the interview with the others. He did his best to provide assistance, but it did nothing to lighten my mood. I called the HHS person that scheduled my interview and had to leave a message. I got a phone call today and she rescheduled my interview for a location that I cannot get to, so I need to ask someone to take me there. This office is really unprofessional and the Health and Human Services department is very unprofessional. These people only do enough to keep their jobs, even though they don't have to try so hard. Their superiors are just as unprofessional as they are. They're lucky that I need a job and I can't afford to turn down any job leads.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?! They need all the help they can get. They only make excuses for their less than average customer service and professionalism.

Diminishing Faith

I've heard that God knows your heart and your thoughts. But, he still wants you to talk to Him. If He knows my heart, then He knows that my heart is getting heavier by the day. If He knows my thoughts, then He knows that I am still waiting to find out why I'm in the situation that I'm in. He knows that I want to know why I am being punished because I don't understand. I am doing the best I can to make it through. Everyone wants to blame the economic situation for the reason so many are out of work and why they can't find a job to take care of themselves or their family. But, there is another group that must also take some of the blame. those people are the employers and hiring managers that judge applicants based on factors that allow them to discriminate. I've briefly touched on that once before. Now, I am told that I need to pray and give it up to God. My problem is that I have to be realistic while trying to be faithful. Reality is that if I cannot find a job to take care of myself then I lose my home and most, if not all, of my possessions. People may think it's nothing to start over and you play the hand life dealt you, but you never know until you are in that situation. Truth is, there are people who never truly recover from such a devastating situation. For others, it is very hard to have to be humbled and suffer a little humility to accept the support of people who only support you tot ake advantage of you in your time of need. I've been in that situation where I've had to depend on others and I was taken advantage of. So, it is hard to deal with the fact that if I am not able to care for myself financially, I will end up going back to an even worse situation or as another homeless individual. Yes, I had very little faith to begin with. and now, that is diminishing. I am up against a clock right now and my time is running out. I feel that if I can't catch even the tiniest break, it's over for good and my faith will be gone.

If you do your best to live your life right, why would God punish you while letting others live wrong? What is the point when you can get no answers?

Granted more time...

Lately, I've been stressing over what I am going to do about the living situation i'm in right now. I was listening to my phone messages and TWC had called me. I am truly thankful that I qualify for an extension on my benefits. That gives me a few more months in the game before I have to move around or move on out of this area period. So, I give thanks to the Lord for the blessing I have received.

A talk with the pastor

I went to bible study on Thursday. It was my first time in oh so many years. I decided to speak to the pastor about an issue that has been weighing on mind.

I decided to clue him in on a different side of some people he knew. I talked to him about an issue that caused me to seek counseling for anger management. I just couldn't deal with the verbal abuse from one of my superiors. Even though I spoke to the boss of the company, and she made a promise to resolve the issue but didn't, 12 months went by before she did anything about it. What she did was fire me, then threaten me to keep my mouth shut about the company. Then, in May, I saw on the news that they were being investigated for corruption and misuse of funding.

In a way, I feel guilt because I was there and I saw some things being done that seemed and felt wrong. Everyone on staff talked about what was going on, but no one did anything. And, I wasn't the only one who felt that something wasn't right.

When speaking to the pastor, I discussed how this was weighing on my heart because I feel like if I were to speak up, it would seem as if I was just trying to get revenge on my former bosses for firing me. Then, to distance myself from the situation feels as though I am turning my back on what's going on as if it's okay.

He told me is that if the news wanted to find out the truth, they will be able to find it without me.

I do feel that my name will come up since I did work there for a couple of years. When the day comes I pray that I am ready.

How far down must I go?

In the many months of unemployment, things have seemed to go from so-so to bad. Now, I am faced with the task of deciding which bills will get paid and which ones will continue to affect my credit rating; which will make it harder for me to find work due to employers believing my credit history tells them the type of person I am. I am beginning to believe that my biggest mistake was coming back to this city. Life, for me, has basically gone downhill since 2006. I thought I was on the right track, but I didn't see the danger that was lurking ahead. Funny thing is that the person who sort of foretold of this happening to me is the person that helped to put me in this predicament when she pretended to be my friend only to turn against me and put that knife in my back. I never knew that this is something religious people do to others. I've heard of people only finding happiness when others are suffering. I just didn't know that this woman was so hell bent on seeing me suffer. I don't know what her problem is.

But, now I have to figure out what my problem is and how I'm going to deal with things. I am ready to give up and run away from all of this and make my new start someplace else. I'm working up the nerve to ask my father to take me in for a while until I can get back on my feet.

Someone once told me that the best revenge on haters of all kinds is to do better for yourself.

I am trying to go into this with a positive attitude, but it's hard.

Baby steps

I had a long talk with my grandma the other day. She told me that it would be good for me to join a church to learn more about the word of God and to do work for the Lord. By doing so, my outlook on life would change. So, tonight I will be taking the first step down what I hope to be a new path in my life. I am ready for a change, ready to break out of this shell, ready to begin a new chapter in the book of my life, and ready to get a total life makeover. I now commit to surrounding myself with more positive influences and making wiser decisions.

church

I almost didn't get up this morning. But, I missed church two weeks ago since the car was out of commission. I was up late scanning pictures for hours and watching TV. I made a promise to myself that I would keep my word to my grandma and attend church. I've been attending my aunt's church since May. I haven't joined because I'm not at that point yet. It's been a while...so many years since I have regularly attended church; since I was a kid, but I'm getting back into the swing of things. I don't know why, but I am a little apprehensive about talking to God. I just have this feeling that my words will not be heard and my prayer will not be answered, or I won't even get some sort of answer to my problem. I feel like it's been too long and I've messed up my opportunity. It feels as though I don't realize my responsibility until after the moment has passed.

I can only hope that it's not too late and my dark cloud will soon reveal a silver lining, or the beginning of one to help on my way.

How is your financial resume?

I was watching a news clip from ABC News about how people can lose their jobs or be rejected for a job based on their financial resume. Simply put...employers look at your credit rating to "help them" make a decision about hiring you. If your credit is good or superb, you have a better chance of getting the job. If your credit is poor or just plain horrible, you'll more than likely never hear from that employer unless you contact them. When I was watching the news clip I got a little upset. It just seems like another excuse for employers to pass judgment on you without having to own up to what they are doing. You cannot make a judgment on what type of employee someone is going to be based on their financial situation. That's just crazy! Over the years, I have made mistakes with my bad spending habits. But, as time goes on, I have learned, and am still learning, how to be responsible and know that I don't need everything I see. But, since I've lost my job last year, I haven't had the funds to make my debt payments as I did when I was working. This has caused one of my accounts to be closed after two missed payments and other accounts to accrue late payment fees for each month that I was not able to make a payment. Of course, these fees for non-payment were reported to the credit bureaus and my credit score has dropped quite a bit. I see it like this: You can have great credit and still be a horrible employee or you can have horrible credit and be a great employee, or you can be horrible with horrible credit or great with great credit. It depends on the type of person you are and what is going on in your life. I don't know about anyone else, but I have learned that if I don't take care of my responsibilities I will forever be in debt and possibly considered irresponsible by others. A question that I feel employers have to answer is if you pass judgment on individuals for not having that "perfect credit score", how is that individual supposed to work to pay off those bills and eventually raise their credit score?

You cannot judge me based on what is written in black and white. If you don't know me, you don't know what I've gone through, what my situation is or how I got to this point in my life. In the end, you make yourself look like an idiot for basing judgment on numbers and assumptions rather than knowing the person. You loss will eventually be someone else's gain.

I pray that employers wake up and realize they too might one day end up in the position that I am currently in, and someone will pass judgment on them as they have passed judgment on me and others like me. It's time to stop hiding behind all of the excuses that are being afforded to employers.